And here is the joke….. In front of the local butcher’s, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector’s item. He strolled into the store and offered two…
They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can certainly add more hours to your life. Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.
Here are some hilarious quotes, by famous men and women, which will certainly bring a smile on your lips or a chuckle. Share with friends and loved ones or read these funny quotes to yourself to spend some great time.
Humorous Quotes and Sayings
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Hilarious Quotes with Pictures
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
Funny Short Quotes
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
James Holt McGavra
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Quote of the Day to make you Laugh
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.
George Bernard Shaw
Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him everyday that he is wrong.
You might also like our hilariously funny jokes.
Funny Facebook Quotes
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook.
Humorous Catch Phrases
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
You’re on Hilarious Quotes to Tickle Your Funny Bone.