25 Poop-Yourself Funny Parenting Tweets January 31, 2023 by humorouz Leave a Comment Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂 01:01 PM – 07 Nov 2019 Twitter: @sarabellab123 Parenting little kids is mostly screaming “What the fuck!” in your head, but really saying things like “No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger.” 12:07 PM – 07 Oct 2022 Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture 12:33 AM – 28 Jan 2022 Twitter: @deloisivete You might be a mom if a brazilian wax is considered relaxing because it’s quiet and you get to lie down and close your eyes 04:43 PM – 02 Jan 2023 Twitter: @oneawkwardmom My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling “COME ON, GUYS!” from the couch. 02:02 PM – 03 Jan 2023 Twitter: @copymama Parenting is getting yelled at by a smaller version of your spouse. 01:38 PM – 27 Nov 2022 Twitter: @Dadof2crazyboys I was a terrible mother and told my kids I hate them today. Well what I really said was, please pick your towels up off the floor but apparently it’s the same thing 07:15 PM – 28 Dec 2022 Twitter: @maryfairybobrry 0.154268 seconds. That’s how long my preschooler spends lying on their pillow before proclaiming “it’s too hard to sleep!” 01:12 PM – 30 Dec 2022 Twitter: @kevinthedad me: you need to eat more fruit my kids: ok let’s make a smoothie me: my kids: me: not like that 05:02 PM – 04 Jan 2023 Twitter: @deloisivete My kid: *refuses chicken nuggets and French fries* Also my kid: *hides behind the couch to eat lotion and diaper cream* 07:18 PM – 03 Jan 2023 Twitter: @laughcrycoffee Understanding baby/toddler/children’s shoe sizing requires an advanced degree that I do not have. 07:25 PM – 22 Dec 2022 Twitter: @emilyfavreau “This is not what I meant by sharing” I yell at my kids after catching the fifth cold of the school year 11:40 PM – 05 May 2022 Twitter: @reallifemommy3 I was driving with my son when he asked me about the meaning of a bumper sticker that said, “If you’re gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair” and WTF?! Why wasn’t he looking at his phone like a normal teen?! 12:57 PM – 02 Nov 2022 Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year 05:08 PM – 01 Jan 2023 Twitter: @Chhapiness Don’t wanna brag but today’s only the second day of winter break and my kids are already “so bored” and have “nothing to eat around here” so we’re way ahead of the game. 03:47 PM – 27 Dec 2022 Twitter: @SnarkyMommy78 My parenting style can best be described as “whatever works in the moment” 11:08 PM – 02 Jan 2023 Twitter: @KatieDeal99 [Me before having kids] ME: I hope my child is absolutely brilliant and goes to Harvard! [Me after having kids] ME: I hope my child is exactly smart enough to go to a cheap state school but still smart enough to figure out how to work the meal plan for free food. 02:38 PM – 04 Jan 2023 Twitter: @thedad Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead. 11:26 AM – 20 Oct 2022 Twitter: @AnAppleHat My 4 year old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living. Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut and race car driver until my son deadpanned, “he doesn’t have a job because he’s not real,” while glaring at me like I’m an idiot. 03:58 PM – 27 Apr 2020 Twitter: @HenpeckedHal A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying 08:45 PM – 02 Jan 2023 Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids Freya’s mum brought her over to our house to give my twins a Christmas gift. Before she drove off she rolled down her window, looked me dead in the eye and said “have fun”. It’s clear. Freya’s mum is the evil mastermind 09:34 PM – 27 Dec 2022 Twitter: @MumInBits Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it. 01:07 PM – 06 Dec 2022 Twitter: @Dad_At_Law
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