Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂
Parenting little kids is mostly screaming “What the fuck!” in your head, but really saying things like “No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger.”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
You might be a mom if a brazilian wax is considered relaxing because it’s quiet and you get to lie down and close your eyes
My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling “COME ON, GUYS!” from the couch.
Parenting is getting yelled at by a smaller version of your spouse.
I was a terrible mother and told my kids I hate them today. Well what I really said was, please pick your towels up off the floor but apparently it’s the same thing
0.154268 seconds. That’s how long my preschooler spends lying on their pillow before proclaiming “it’s too hard to sleep!”
me: you need to eat more fruit
my kids: ok let’s make a smoothie
me:
my kids:
me: not like that
My kid: *refuses chicken nuggets and French fries*
Also my kid: *hides behind the couch to eat lotion and diaper cream*
Understanding baby/toddler/children’s shoe sizing requires an advanced degree that I do not have.
“This is not what I meant by sharing” I yell at my kids after catching the fifth cold of the school year
I was driving with my son when he asked me about the meaning of a bumper sticker that said, “If you’re gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair” and WTF?! Why wasn’t he looking at his phone like a normal teen?!
Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year
Don’t wanna brag but today’s only the second day of winter break and my kids are already “so bored” and have “nothing to eat around here” so we’re way ahead of the game.
My parenting style can best be described as “whatever works in the moment”
[Me before having kids]
ME: I hope my child is absolutely brilliant and goes to Harvard![Me after having kids]
ME: I hope my child is exactly smart enough to go to a cheap state school but still smart enough to figure out how to work the meal plan for free food.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My 4 year old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living. Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut and race car driver until my son deadpanned, “he doesn’t have a job because he’s not real,” while glaring at me like I’m an idiot.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Freya’s mum brought her over to our house to give my twins a Christmas gift. Before she drove off she rolled down her window, looked me dead in the eye and said “have fun”. It’s clear. Freya’s mum is the evil mastermind
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
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