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They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can certainly add more hours to your life. Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.

Here are some hilarious quotes, by famous men and women, which will certainly bring a smile on your lips or a chuckle. Share with friends and loved ones or read these funny quotes to yourself to spend some great time.

Humorous Quotes and Sayings

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
Lionel Barrymore

Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
Unknown

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Frank Lloyd Wright

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes with Pictures

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Unknown

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
David Rosam

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
Demitri Martin

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
Tommy Cooper

Funny Short Quotes

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
Ron Kittle

Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
Robin Williams

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Joe Klaas

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
James Holt McGavra

Note: If you have suggestions for hilarious quotes, please let us know via the Contact page. Thanks.

Quote of the Day to make you Laugh

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
H.V. Prochnow

If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
Thomas Szasz

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.
George Bernard Shaw

Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him everyday that he is wrong.
Unknown

You might also like our hilariously funny jokes.

Funny Facebook Quotes

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Ken Dodd

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
George Raft

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

Silly Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Bill Murray

Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
Unknown

I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock

Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook.

Humorous Catch Phrases

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.
Unknown

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
Stephen Wright.

You’re on Hilarious Quotes to Tickle Your Funny Bone.

During The Turkey Pardon, President Trump Draws Laughter With Hilarious Election Joke

Us4Trump.com Compilation. Today, Peas and Carrots concluded their amazing journey to the White Home, but just one was pardoned for the National Thanksgiving Turkey.

America selected a poll online, via the White House, whether the turkey’s “Peas” or “Carrots” must get the Presidential Turkey pardon. (Videos Below)

Peas and Carrots took a trip to our Nation’s capital all the way from South Dakota! They were raised on a farm near Huron, S.D., under the guidance of National Turkey Federation Chairman Jeff Sveen and by turkey grower Ruben Waldner.

The Governmental Flock of 50 turkeys was hatched in July, and Peas and Carrots were selected to take a trip to Washington, D.C., where one became the National Thanksgiving Turkey and the other its alternate.

Upon arrival in Washington, Peas and Carrots got some rest at The Willard Hotel, adjacent to the White Home grounds, ahead of the pardoning ceremony.

President Trump and First Lady Melania took part in the presentation of the National Thanksgiving Turkey. (Videos Below)

Throughout the pardoning, President Trump offered a speech wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving. “At this time of the year we assess all the lots of true blessings in our lives.” He said.

Trump made a joke about which turkey was eventually chosen during the vote. This comes after the midterms and the extracted recount procedure that happened in Florida, Georgia, and Arizona.

“I am delighted to announce that today’s lucky bird and important invitee is named Peas. Carrots refused to concede and demanded a recount, and we’re still battling with Carrots.” The President jokingly said. (Videos Below)

Watch President Trump joke about the turkey vote:

“I am pleased to reveal that today’s fortunate bird and visitor of honor is called Peas,” Pres. Trump states at the annual White Home turkey pardon.

“Regrettably, Carrots refused to yield and required a recount, and we’re still battling with Carrots.” https://t.co/V5t7ze8wDr pic.twitter.com/fI99Zll4uo

— ABC News (@ABC)

November 20, 2018 President Trump pardons”

Peas.”. @realDonaldTrump pardoning”Peas”the turkey is the very best thing you will see throughout the day pic.twitter.com/gbrJWO9NkK– The Daily Caller (@DailyCaller) November 20, 2018 Complete Presentation:

President Donald Trump Pardons National Thanksgiving Turkey