Kids may say the darndest things, but tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Coffee is good but nothing wakes you up harder than the adrenaline of searching for a piece of your kid’s sports uniform on Saturday morning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 3, 2023
During my pregnancy, I was so sick and only wanted McDonald’s breakfast. I kept seeing the same cashier in the drive thru line and I kept getting bigger and bigger and when the baby was finally born, I took her to McDonald’s and introduced her 😂
— emily (@emilykmay) June 7, 2023
my kid has been telling people that her baby brother will be named “Chumley” and the state of contemporary baby names is such that everyone accepts this
— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) June 8, 2023
Dads, taking a picture of the kids: That’ll do.
Moms, taking a picture of the kids: Let’s take one all together. Everyone smile. Now silly faces. How about we all stand by the fireplace? Now one in the front yard. One with us by the tree. Everyone stand by the potted plant.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 3, 2023
Was struggling with a puzzle and my daughter, very helpfully, told me to try looking for shapes that fit
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 5, 2023
Me, stuck in traffic and trying to teach my little one new words: Is that a car? Car! Carrr.
Toddler:
Me, gets cut off: Dumbass.
Toddler: Dumbass!
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 6, 2023
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to organize sauce pans]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 7, 2023
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 8, 2023
My 3-year-old came to tell me there was a “big big chicken” in our yard and you will never guess what it actually was
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 7, 2023
Back from a 2nd grade science fair, some projects sucked. Some parents definitely need extra classes
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 6, 2023
I loved doing projects with my dad and wanted that for MY kids so now they get to do projects with my dad pic.twitter.com/9d8NESF3Q5
— The Dad (@thedad) June 8, 2023
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 6, 2023
My 6yo assisted on a goal at soccer yesterday! You should have seen the massive smile on his face as he cheered the ball going into the back of the net! Let’s just forget the fact he passed the ball directly to an opposition player who scored the goal. That’s not important here.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 8, 2023
me: what was your favorite thing about the county fair?
8yo: that goat with the really big balls
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 4, 2023
My son and I are reading a book series together.
Last night he got mad at me and instead of yelling, he muttered under his breath that he was going to read ahead without me.
So he’s ready for marriage.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) June 8, 2023
My youngest is officially in high school so now I get to really start phoning this parenting thing in.
— nika (@nikalamity) June 9, 2023
My daughter passed me a note in her handwriting that said buy cupcakes and told me daddy left this for you and I looked her right in the eye and said I like your style kid.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 5, 2023
My kid said he knew I was the tooth fairy so instead of money I put a kazoo under his pillow and now he’s a believer because “mommy would NEVER let me have this”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 3, 2023
If you are a mom planning to be away from your family for 16 hours, it requires approximately 17 hours of planning and preparation.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 8, 2023
11-year-old: *tattles on her sister*
Me: I don’t want to hear this.
11: *writes it down*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2023
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