I don’t know I made a conscious decision to always look at the bright side. It’s probably a bi-product of my parents and grandparents being wonderful people. Even my social media, for the most part, focuses on the fun, light-sided parts of life. I say “for the most part” because lately I’ve struggled to find the “bright side”. Maybe that’s the bi-product of Divorce?
I’ve done all the things I was supposed to do. I kept a positive attitude. I didn’t speak ill of my ex. I filed all my paperwork, spent countless hours toiling over car insurance, health insurance, setting up therapy for myself and my kids and spoke openly with friends about their experiences to keep myself in some type of “support group” for divorcees. I worked out, I bought new underwear, sold my “Marital Bed” and renovated my house. I did all the things. But it’s nine months post divorce and I feel more lost now than I did before.
Sure, so many things are better. I’m happy, my kids are in a better place and I’m EVEN….I don’t know if that word means anything to you but there’s no more “ups and downs”. No more wondering what kind of day it’s going to be. My days are EVEN and I FEEL calm. I think it’s when you add up all the other changes that occurred over the last 2 years (losing my dad, the kids moving out to college and beyond and no longer being “partnered”) I really struggle with who I am now.
I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, trying to start a life for myself. In so many ways, I know I’m lucky. I know I SHOULD be grateful and I am. I guess I just am reminded of how easy things used to be….when the kids were young and I my biggest stressor was getting the kids to stop fighting over a Bob the Builder cup. Of course, I’m going WAY BACK, which just makes the comparison seem unreasonable. If I’m honest with myself, I should be comparing it to where I was 2 years ago….and when I do that, I’m in a better place.
Change is so hard. Finding a new routine is hard. Being on your own is hard. So many amazing women do it….everyday. And I guess, at some point, we all do it, whether we are ready or not. When I tell people I’m divorced the reactions are so funny. Some give a sad face and I’m compelled to say, “It’s okay, it’s for the better.” Other times I’m met with a “Congratulations!”, which feels equally uncomfortable.
I guess I thought that the hardest day in this process was my divorce day. And it was…it was horrible. In my mind, I thought “well, every day after this should be better” and, most days, it is. Sometimes though….the days last forever and I think too much and then I think “I should make a cake” and well….it’s just a downward yummy slope from there.
My friendships have become so much more important to me and connecting with people on the hardships of change, whether through divorce, losing a loved one or a job change, has been therapeutic. So…Thanks for being there with me every morning….”in good times and in bad”. What a weird way to use that phrase now? Know that I appreciate everyone’s kind words as I figure myself out….at fifty.
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