10 funny reasons many Kenyans won’t use the expressway

Nairobi Expressway, the 27km miracle that has been making folks wonder whether they are in Dubai or Kanairo, finally went live at the beginning of May. It was instantly hailed as a marvel, cutting short the time it would take one to drive from JKIA to Westlands to mere minutes. It is also easy on the eye. But Kenyans, a notoriously stubborn lot, are dipping their toes into the project. Their reasons range from actual financial concerns to sillier ones like the toll stations reminding them of their university gates. Here are reasons Kenyans have been hesitant to embrace one of the most impressive roads in Africa:

1. It’s too efficient
That thing is simply too effective. Nearly 30km in 10 minutes? What were they thinking? So now you can get to work in time? Now you cannot tiptoe into a meeting 40 minutes late, head bowed, talking about the fearsome traffic “pale tu ukiingia tao”? Traffic is our birthright, dammit. What next? Getting home at 5.15pm to spend time with your wife? No, we would much rather fight for the first lane with matatus, thank you very much.

2. Me? Waste my taxes?
Someone whispered that the Expressway was constructed thanks to Kenyan taxpayer money. Kenyans may not have been keen when the contract details were being reported, but as long as someone mentioned their taxes, it was reason enough to boycott that road of theirs. They are patriotic, you see, and they won’t stand for foreigners rummaging around inside their pockets. They can keep their road.

3. Kenyans are broke
As effective as the new road is, it is not kind to the pocket. Kenyans are good at scaling up, so when they heard a trip along the stretch of the highway costs up to 300 good ones, they quickly counted fingers and toes and surmised that it meant upwards of 12k in a month. Will we buy cooking gas or drive to Mlolongo, many Kenyans wondered as they flagged down a matatu.

4. It was meant for foreigners
We have seen the tweets praising the Expressway. The ones saying this are our government does not play when it comes to infrastructure. The ones hailing the road as a gift we will be reaping from for generations to come. Those people are the same ones who said SGR was the cat’s pajamas. And so Kenyans don’t want siasa. Maybe when they make it they will come back and do the Mlolongo-Westlands run in 10 minutes.

5. No njugu hawkers allowed
It is elitist, that Expressway of theirs. They have locked boda bodas out, hiding behind big English phrases like two-wheeled motorists to confuse them. Worse, however, is the refusal to allow small-time hawkers to access the super-road. This means no rolling down your window to grab a quick handful of groundnuts. Or a banana. Or a wallet. No haggling over a windshield wiper. No chance of seeing an unfathomably juicy The Nairobian front page on display as a vendor passes. Why would they use the road?

6. Only big cars use it
Not everyone has a V6. Even those ones who have the big Mercedes are rare enough. The best most of us can do is the Nissan with the big bumbum. The rest? A stunning array of Vitz, Passo and Demio kadudus. We don’t want to get into pissing contests on the road. We don’t want to start measuring kadudus with Subaru boys when we are just trying to get to work. The Expressway is full of big cars; small jalopies are content driving in circles just to avoid potholes down below.

7. No lipa na M-Pesa
They are saying if you don’t have cash in hand, you should not even approach those toll stations. To which Kenyans snorted with disbelief. Even Maina, the conductor who runs his Embassava matatu like a dictatorship, usually hands his phone to passengers who want to pay via MPesa. Even mama mbogas have till numbers. Heck, the only place money is still fully operational is on the highway to your village, because bribes have to be non-electronic. Kenyans are tech-savvy people, so until those jokers shape up and wise up, shauri yao.

8. Mine is just a short trip
You know how Kenyans move. “I’m just popping over to Mombasa Road kidogo, I’ll be right back.” “Acha niingie ofisi kidogo.” “You guy, si we pitia Langata.” Ours are more short, random trips than long intentional ones. And we reserve the right, during those trips, to change our minds entirely. “Ama we use Jogoo Road?” Cue the very illegal 180 degree turn in the middle of the highway. The way that Expressway is set up? Ah ah.

9. Someone might photograph them
The Expressway, Kenyans will grudgingly admit, is a ridiculously photogenic phenomenon. It is like the Eiffel tower. Or the building in town inspired by a donkey’s apparatus. Or potential DP Rigathi Gachagua. You see so many photos of it in the course of the day, you wonder if you are being stalked. Kenyans are hesitant to venture into the Expressway because they might end up in some unfocused drone photo on the internet, or their photo of them pleading with the toll attendant might trend on Twitter for a week straight.

10. Good, old-fashioned stubbornness
There is a trait that Kenyans possess, one that is occasionally documented in the form of wananchi giving interviews to TV crews. Kenyans don’t like to be arranged. There is even a song, and a remix, saying just that. Someone asked Kenyans to register their Safaricom lines and a lot of them said “We won’t. Come beat us.” So, who exactly is going to make Kenyans use the Expressway?